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horoscopes and relationships

The fault in our stars


Tommy Little tells us why he’d rather “shag signs” than those of the horoscope variety.

I’ve never understood star signs. My housemate was chatting with her friends in our loungeroom yesterday when I overheard one of them say, “I don’t think Steve and I worked out because he was a Sagittarius and we’re just not compatible.” The reason this confused me is that I’ve met Steve and I thought they broke up because Steve was 
a jerk who couldn’t stay faithful – but, hey, maybe they’re just both “Sag” things and I just didn’t know about it.

Alright, so I’ve never really thought about horoscopes when it comes to relationships because, I guess, I find 
the whole notion pretty bizarre. For example, saying, “I always seem to 
be attracted to Leos” is essentially 
just a much more socially acceptable way of saying, “I tend to like people whose parents rooted without protection on New Year’s Eve”.

If we are willing to pass judgement on the time of year you were born 
(and therefore conceived), why don’t we go even further and have signs based on the position in which you were conceived as well? “Oh, me and Steve broke up because he’s a reverse cowgirl and I’m a missionary, so we aren’t that compatible. I tried to explain that to him but he doesn’t believe in shag signs so I think it’s over for us.”

Maybe I’m just feeling bitter because I haven’t fully recovered from the last time I remember reading my horoscope. I was 10 years old and it was in a video games magazine. All the horoscopes were detailed except for mine, which said, “Pisces: Face it, you want to do it with a fish.” My first thought was, “I don’t think this is the work of a real horoscope-ologist”, shortly followed by, “I think I now hate star signs, not to mention fish.”

However, a quick poll of both my male and female friends revealed an interesting trend: almost all the women are interested in horoscopes and almost all of the men aren’t. That’s 
why we never see a coach at a press conference for an NRL game saying, “Billy had a pretty rough second half. 
I put that down to the fact that he’s 
a Libra and therefore he doesn’t thrive real well under pressure, obviously.”
I’ve never heard guys talk about their girlfriends in this manner, either.  
“I took Sarah to see Mad Max. She hated it, which I think is because she’s Cancerian and, generally speaking, 
they don’t like violence. I should’ve known that but I’m an Aries and we’re not always considerate of others.”

So, maybe it’s a man thing or maybe it’s just a me thing. Either way, I’m fascinated and confused about the whole idea. That’s why I stood there in my house with a glass up against the wall listening intently to my housemate and friend’s every word. You may think that’s creepy behaviour for an adult to do but I think it’s just a Pisces thing.

Photos: Getty Images


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